i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
