What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
