i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
