omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
