I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
