if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize