Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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