Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
