like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
