Well douche your snatch and let's go!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
