Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
