i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
