I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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