I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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