I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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