I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
