You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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