Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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