dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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