I faked an abortion last night.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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