Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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