She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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