found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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