so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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