my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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