I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
