I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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