If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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