We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
3 2 1 whiskey
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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