bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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