My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
