no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
