Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
