I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
