I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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