thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
