woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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