fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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