I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
