Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
