I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
