Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
