Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
