I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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