you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
