You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
