Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
