My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
