Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
