fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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