this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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