you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
