PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
