He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
