my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
false alarm, still single
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
