It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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