My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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