why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
